Sunday, September 7, 2008

My Summer Sucked Total Ass

Alright, motherfucking Fate, I get you. You have a fucking ludicrious sense of humor, you sick bitch.

My summer sucked. Yeah, it sucked. If none of you guys have heard, I was sent to counseling 4 days a week. Here's the story:

I was out drinking, right? Of course, nobody is shocked...

Anyway, it was like, 4 a.m. Maybe. Or maybe 3 a.m. Whatever. I was out drinking in bars when I might've flipped off a cop. I didn't know he was a cop even with the flashing red lights, a'right? I thought in my drunken haze that it was the ice cream man on a new schedule.

So he stops me on the sidewalk, makes me take the dumb soberity test--like I was even driving! Maybe I ain't the only one hitting the shots, ya know what I mean...?

I fail miserably (how the hell do you touch your nose and walk at the same time?) and even set the new low on the soberity test! Of course, when I told Sindy later, she was horrified but I was pretty proud of myself. Takes a lot of balls to fail that bad.

I get arrested, blah blah...I have a criminal record already and I hafta sit in jail for a while...I call Sindy and she bails me out. Alright, cool.

Then, records indictated that I never paid off my parking ticket about 6 years ago. I 'dodged' court, never showed up to retrials, nothing. Didn't even take defensive fucking driving.

Let me explain: The ticket said that I was parked in a 'No Parking Zone'. I said to the cop that it was 'not' parking if I left the gas running. He said that I was stopped and I retorted with that my car is in perpetual motion and is unable to stop. He tried using thermodynamics on me and I responded with Eistein's Theory of Relativity.

Anyway, the cop was just pissed that I proved his sorry ass wrong and wrote me out a ticket. However, I refused to pay for it and tossed it in my glove compartment along with my expired insurance card and manual, never to be opened again.

So I just forgot about that dumbass ticket. After a bit, they have a warrant out for my arrest. Jesus Christ.

Off I sit in jail again and Sindy once more bails me out (this time, it's just $400 bucks). Eventually, I enjoy the silence of not being around either Cena or Mia but Sindel gets me out and brings me to the castle. I pass out of the couch and I had the strangest cold sensation...

Whatever. I wake up the next afternoon, drink hard black coffee and go back to sleep. It's sorta like that on-and-off as Cena bitches and moans about me being a bad influence.

I'll show his sorry ass a bad influence: I'll rip his fucking cards to shreds and hot-glue Mia's mouth shut...

I wake up, again and go back home. Waiting for me was a letter saying that I had to attend therapy 4 days a week for court punishment. I promptly tore it up and took another nap on my couch before Sindy called me and said some people were bothering her about me (Eech).

I just told her to tell them I was killing random people downtown and was too busy to take their call.

So I was drinking away in my house watching Candyman and enjoying the movie before cops randomly appeared at my house. They knocked but I slammed the door on them. They barged in and I had to endure a long-ass threat about if I didn't go, I would go to jail for 10 months with no bail and blah blah blah...

Sindel was called and Cena was with her. They explained it to them and I had to listen to her begging for an hour before I agreed to do it. Actually, I agreed because I remembered that I was leaving her with Cena and Mia all alone in that castle and I knew for a fact that Cena was checking her out sometimes and Mia was a bisexual slut-McSlutslut. There will be no threesomes on my call!

So I'm forced to attend this stupid thing all summer. All. Summer. I hate my life.

Worse, Sindel had to drive me because apparently, I'm too untrustworthy. Actually, I find that true because I would have skipped but still, I can't have anyone's trust? Fuck that shit.

Lemme tell you, it was terrible. Everyday, we had to talk about our 'feelings' and our 'thoughts' in this little group therapy session and the other two days I had to go one-on-one with some idealistic therapist who thought I had severe sociopathic problems.

Eventually, I tried making a game out of it by writing down the most awful stuff like, "I drink because my mom threatened me with a spoon as a child" or "I was once poked into a coma". When I was asked questions about my parents, I would say, "Parents? I don't have any parents! How dare you remind me of their tragic yet brutally funny death!?" to which I would engage in a humorous death story and if someone so much as sniffled, I'd take offense and go off on them.

My favorite personally was the "Reflection in the Water" story.

However, my crack-team of therapists called Sindel because I said that all redheaded people must die in order to save the super-race of blondes and brunettes, which would eventually become the new standard of beauty. Repeatedly.

She marched up there and we fought a little before she told me I better be serious about this thing. Sindy had to assure the therapists that all this time, I've been lying and making a big joke out of it.

That ended poorly for me. I was subjected to rough mental therapy where I had to draw pictures. No really, I had to. When I drew a picture, it was taken away from me and analyzed. I was never told the results but it was analyzed. Then I had to sit in a room for three (hours?) and be very quiet. Lucky me, I had four walls so I made up a maze in my head and I have to get to the end of the maze (I've already gotten through the left wall!).

So, I had a theory that they were not really analyzing anything I was doing anymore so I drew a picture of Mia and Cena being frozen (as I find it a symbolic message of freezing my ass all the time) and another one of me and Sindel fighting (me winning, of course).

Damn, news travelled fast. Mere minutes of my pictures, Cena was 'contacted' and asked about it. I think he laughed or maybe got the joke 'cause he just hung up. Oh man, if I pissed him off, I'll be so happy!

I soon became on 'watch' and subjected to even more crap. But I didn't have to endure it for long, my therapy was over. I was given leave (finally) and Sindel was given a report.

She looked at it, looked at me and said, "What are you jealous of?"


I read the report and this is what it said (for realz):

Subject is actually quite sound in mental mind and capacity with a great endurance of mental pressure. However, his jealously is remarkable and his personal influx of insults is pushed onto the closest peers.

I shrugged and tore it up. Fuck it.

Ah, I went back home and drank all up again. My life was normal again!

Oh yeah, and I did set Cena's room on fire. Haha!


Friday, June 20, 2008

My Word is All

Why doesn't anyone around here have a sense of humor? Sheesh.

I'm sorry! A screaming on-fire Cena is the fucking greatness!

Okay, look, I may have accidently left on the coffeepot (I have no thumbs, cut me a break!) and Cena was stupid enough to let his shirt catch onto the bottom of it it and be set on fire. And when Sindel came in and screamed as she saw his shirt go right up in flames, he did the 50 mile leap into the air with the best expression on his face ever. Either Cena or Mia doused the flames but I was too busy spitting up my coffee as I busted out laughing on the floor.

Oh man, it brought tears to my eyes. For real, that made my week.

Anyway, after Cena was checked to be okay, they berated me for not helping and laughing at Cena when he 'could've been seriously hurt'. Hurt my ass--I've been set on fire more times than I could count.

So Sindel sent me upstairs like some teenager! What the hell! I'm older than her! I'm her dad and she sent me upstairs?! Nuh uh. That ain't gonna cut it!

I think I'll set Cena's room on fire. That'll teach them not to treat me like a child...


Saturday, June 14, 2008

Just Me and Sindy

I'm an asshole, don't let anyone tell you different, but I like days when it's just me and Sindy hanging out and doing nothing together.

I think it's kinda cool when you can slam your own daughter/best friend at Uno. DRAW 6, SINDY!!! HAHAHAH!!! She threw the Uno cards at me and I ducked, making it fly everywhere all over the living room table and floor.

Then we watched The Sopranos together on the T.V. Of course, the T.V was acting up so I deleted Cena's Psych episodes. It worked better then.

We don't really watch Sopranos but the theme song is kick-fucking-ass.

Then we threw popcorn at each other for two hours. How so, you ask? Easy--when we ran out, we made some more. The whole living room was covered in that shit--5 inches, no lie. Then Sindel told the stupidest, funniest joke we've ever heard:

"Two muffins were sitting in an oven and one muffin turned to the other muffin and said, "It's hot in here, isn't it?" The other muffin looked at him and went "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

We laughed about that for 5 hours. I think we have a gas leak or something because I think that joke is something you're supposed to get when you're high.

Cena and Mia came downstairs and saw us laughing on the living room floor that was covered in 5 inches of popcorn, Uno cards everywhere and the Sopranos theme song playing over and over again at full blast.

It was a great fucking day.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Bad Stuff

So yesterday, I'm chilling on the couch when Mia walks in the room and I greet her with my usual "What's the running price tonight, Mia?" when she got all pissy about it and promptly started to hit me with a random broom.

She must be PMSing bad so I shocked her until her hair turned black. Hahaha, it was great until Cena had to come in and break it up.

Now today, Mia took the beer from the kitchen that I was hoarding and smashed the bottles like a total fucking bitch! So I super-glued her ribbon straight to her head and she screamed as she was trying to redo it. I really wanted to help her but I was too busy trying to breathe from laughing so hard as some of her head become bald.

Sindy made me apologize so I made her a card that said "Get Fucking Lost" inside of it and I had to throw it away. I spent 30 minutes on the art alone on that card (it was a picture of Mia being bald). Sindel ruins my fun sometimes.

Otherwise, I spent all afternoon IMing Kirby on the Yahoo Messenger until Kirby mentioned how hot Mia was and I promptly booted his ass off YIM.

Now, what's the deal with UFS? I saw Cena making Sindy play that game a few days ago and I motherfucking hate that game. Not 'cause Cena's playing it or anything but 'cause it's so...stupid. I mean, come on, IT'S A CARD GAME. It's not supposed to be complex! I play poker and blackjack (and I'm a sucky player at it too) but it's not hard shit to recall.

Anyway, I hear Mia and Cena making out again so I'm going to go interrupt by dousing them in beer and using phrases in Spanish to piss Cena off--See ya.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

This Is Stupid

Man, I must be more drunk than I thought...

Stupid Sindel and her stupid fucking ideas....

Yeah, whatever, I'm Pikachu. Yeah, I'm a drunk. Deal with it. I'm the Kanto Champion and Tournament of Leagues Champ...I am the best Pokemon fighter out there and I'll damn well prove it if you disagree.

Anyway, I'm Sindel' friend...father thing. I dunno. She's not really my kid, I picked her up randomly on some street corner when she was 12 and I took care of her. Don't know why, I'm stupid like that.

Regardless, I'm very protective of Sindy. And of my beer but that's another story for another day.

My best friends are Yoshi and Kirby. Kirby is a playboy and Yoshi is a politician. I know, we're like a pod pack. We don't see each other as often as we'd like but shit happens, ya know?

Jesus, this keyboard is getting hard to see...anyway, Cena lives with Sindel at the castle (and lucky him, I'm keeping a close eye on that boy in case he gets too good of ideas about Sindel when she's walking around in a loose pair of jeans and a white T-Shirt). Mia is a bitch. That's all there is to know.

I live not too far from the castle but my internet sucks and I don't have a laptop (which I stole from Cena's room, haha). But I love storing my drinks in the castle and I do it so creatively too...

Anyway, I need to go lie down for a bit...I think the computer multiplied by 5 and Mia's the cause of it...