Sunday, September 7, 2008

My Summer Sucked Total Ass

Alright, motherfucking Fate, I get you. You have a fucking ludicrious sense of humor, you sick bitch.

My summer sucked. Yeah, it sucked. If none of you guys have heard, I was sent to counseling 4 days a week. Here's the story:

I was out drinking, right? Of course, nobody is shocked...

Anyway, it was like, 4 a.m. Maybe. Or maybe 3 a.m. Whatever. I was out drinking in bars when I might've flipped off a cop. I didn't know he was a cop even with the flashing red lights, a'right? I thought in my drunken haze that it was the ice cream man on a new schedule.

So he stops me on the sidewalk, makes me take the dumb soberity test--like I was even driving! Maybe I ain't the only one hitting the shots, ya know what I mean...?

I fail miserably (how the hell do you touch your nose and walk at the same time?) and even set the new low on the soberity test! Of course, when I told Sindy later, she was horrified but I was pretty proud of myself. Takes a lot of balls to fail that bad.

I get arrested, blah blah...I have a criminal record already and I hafta sit in jail for a while...I call Sindy and she bails me out. Alright, cool.

Then, records indictated that I never paid off my parking ticket about 6 years ago. I 'dodged' court, never showed up to retrials, nothing. Didn't even take defensive fucking driving.

Let me explain: The ticket said that I was parked in a 'No Parking Zone'. I said to the cop that it was 'not' parking if I left the gas running. He said that I was stopped and I retorted with that my car is in perpetual motion and is unable to stop. He tried using thermodynamics on me and I responded with Eistein's Theory of Relativity.

Anyway, the cop was just pissed that I proved his sorry ass wrong and wrote me out a ticket. However, I refused to pay for it and tossed it in my glove compartment along with my expired insurance card and manual, never to be opened again.

So I just forgot about that dumbass ticket. After a bit, they have a warrant out for my arrest. Jesus Christ.

Off I sit in jail again and Sindy once more bails me out (this time, it's just $400 bucks). Eventually, I enjoy the silence of not being around either Cena or Mia but Sindel gets me out and brings me to the castle. I pass out of the couch and I had the strangest cold sensation...

Whatever. I wake up the next afternoon, drink hard black coffee and go back to sleep. It's sorta like that on-and-off as Cena bitches and moans about me being a bad influence.

I'll show his sorry ass a bad influence: I'll rip his fucking cards to shreds and hot-glue Mia's mouth shut...

I wake up, again and go back home. Waiting for me was a letter saying that I had to attend therapy 4 days a week for court punishment. I promptly tore it up and took another nap on my couch before Sindy called me and said some people were bothering her about me (Eech).

I just told her to tell them I was killing random people downtown and was too busy to take their call.

So I was drinking away in my house watching Candyman and enjoying the movie before cops randomly appeared at my house. They knocked but I slammed the door on them. They barged in and I had to endure a long-ass threat about if I didn't go, I would go to jail for 10 months with no bail and blah blah blah...

Sindel was called and Cena was with her. They explained it to them and I had to listen to her begging for an hour before I agreed to do it. Actually, I agreed because I remembered that I was leaving her with Cena and Mia all alone in that castle and I knew for a fact that Cena was checking her out sometimes and Mia was a bisexual slut-McSlutslut. There will be no threesomes on my call!

So I'm forced to attend this stupid thing all summer. All. Summer. I hate my life.

Worse, Sindel had to drive me because apparently, I'm too untrustworthy. Actually, I find that true because I would have skipped but still, I can't have anyone's trust? Fuck that shit.

Lemme tell you, it was terrible. Everyday, we had to talk about our 'feelings' and our 'thoughts' in this little group therapy session and the other two days I had to go one-on-one with some idealistic therapist who thought I had severe sociopathic problems.

Eventually, I tried making a game out of it by writing down the most awful stuff like, "I drink because my mom threatened me with a spoon as a child" or "I was once poked into a coma". When I was asked questions about my parents, I would say, "Parents? I don't have any parents! How dare you remind me of their tragic yet brutally funny death!?" to which I would engage in a humorous death story and if someone so much as sniffled, I'd take offense and go off on them.

My favorite personally was the "Reflection in the Water" story.

However, my crack-team of therapists called Sindel because I said that all redheaded people must die in order to save the super-race of blondes and brunettes, which would eventually become the new standard of beauty. Repeatedly.

She marched up there and we fought a little before she told me I better be serious about this thing. Sindy had to assure the therapists that all this time, I've been lying and making a big joke out of it.

That ended poorly for me. I was subjected to rough mental therapy where I had to draw pictures. No really, I had to. When I drew a picture, it was taken away from me and analyzed. I was never told the results but it was analyzed. Then I had to sit in a room for three (hours?) and be very quiet. Lucky me, I had four walls so I made up a maze in my head and I have to get to the end of the maze (I've already gotten through the left wall!).

So, I had a theory that they were not really analyzing anything I was doing anymore so I drew a picture of Mia and Cena being frozen (as I find it a symbolic message of freezing my ass all the time) and another one of me and Sindel fighting (me winning, of course).

Damn, news travelled fast. Mere minutes of my pictures, Cena was 'contacted' and asked about it. I think he laughed or maybe got the joke 'cause he just hung up. Oh man, if I pissed him off, I'll be so happy!

I soon became on 'watch' and subjected to even more crap. But I didn't have to endure it for long, my therapy was over. I was given leave (finally) and Sindel was given a report.

She looked at it, looked at me and said, "What are you jealous of?"


I read the report and this is what it said (for realz):

Subject is actually quite sound in mental mind and capacity with a great endurance of mental pressure. However, his jealously is remarkable and his personal influx of insults is pushed onto the closest peers.

I shrugged and tore it up. Fuck it.

Ah, I went back home and drank all up again. My life was normal again!

Oh yeah, and I did set Cena's room on fire. Haha!